Effective Communication

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There are many factors that play into a healthy or unhealthy relationship. One of the most critical factors is communication. If a relationship is going to prosper, those involved must be able to openly and successfully communicate. When a disagreement arises, they have to know the best way to respond. Despite it being human reflex, arguing is not an effective response. In fact, it is quite the opposite. If two people have differing opinions, it is important to seek to understand where the other person is coming from and recognize where you may be wrong in your argument.

A wonderful process to achieve effective communication comes from David D. Burns in his novel, Feeling Good Together. The book outlines the “Five Secrets of Effective Communication”. These five steps include:

1.      Disarming Technique
a.      One of the most critical pieces of the disarming technique is finding the “kernel of truth”. The kernel of truth is the piece of truth found in the other persons accusations towards you. If a spouse says: “You’re only focused on your job, you don’t even care about me”, the kernel of truth could be that you truly have been too focused on your job. The key to the disarming technique is being honest with yourself and face where you need to improve. You cannot entirely blame the other person for the disagreement.
2.      Thought Empathy – Repeat what they said they were feeling. Guess their emotions.
3.      Gentle Inquiry – invite them to share their thoughts and feelings.
4.      When ___________       (event, circumstance)
I feel/felt_____________,   (emotion)
Because _____________.    (thoughts)
I would like ______________.
5.      Authentic Respect, Admiration

A good acronym for this model is EAR. The first 3 deal with Empathy, the fourth Assertiveness, and the last Respect.

       As a marriage and family therapist my professor gave a great example of an experience where he used this model. He described a situation where a fellow had been through some really, really hard things and was telling my professor about them. After he finished, my professor offered the effective communication model to the man. The man immediately became infuriated and proceeded to accuse my professor of never listening to him and just trying to rush through the therapy. At first, my professor responded in a negative way, telling the man that maybe he should find another therapist. Yet, as he was walking to the door to open it for the guy, he remembered the disarming technique. He then turned to the man and told him that he was right that my professor had been rushing through and not really listening. At this point in the story my professor explained to us the feeling of peace he felt after saying this and the change that occurred. The man was caught by surprise. The two men then sat down and tried again, my professor truly listening. Through this model a bad situation turned into a wonderful one.

      Another effective form of communication comes for the authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It is also outlined in the book by Elder Russell M. Ballard. Whenever the brethren meet on Thursday mornings to discuss church dealings, they go through the same process. This process consists of:
  • The brethren form an agenda the day before, so they are familiar with everything they will discuss the next morning.
  • All the brethren arrive to the meeting roughly 15 minutes early to express their love and appreciation for one another.
  • The authorities then begin the meeting with a prayer, asking God to help them know what needs to be accomplished.
  • Next, they discuss each matter until they come to a 100% consensus. If even one man disagrees, they will continue to discuss until all are on board.
    • Their goal is to come to the consensus that is God’s will, rather than their own desires.
  • They then end the meeting with a prayer, asking Heavenly Father for a confirmation that the decisions made were the correct ones.
  • After the meeting, the brethren pass around some delicious chocolates because life is better when chocolate is involved. 😊

If we choose to follow these two patterns in our lives, we will see a huge improvement in our relationships with others as well as will ourselves. They will work every time. A downfall of mankind is the desire to give the smallest amount of effort possible. However, if we get out of that mindset and really work for relationships, we will experience a huge change in our quality of life.

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